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Greetings, trusted reader(s)!  My summer holiday became slightly less productive than I had anticipated, and as such I simply didn’t get to updating the Vacuous Intelligence.  My sincerest apologies. Looking ahead, I’m back to updating the blog on a weekly/bi-weekly basis, all the while making sure the content is qualitatiously approved by yours truly.  Let’s get this thing rolling!

There are many things in this world that amaze me.  Crickets for example. I just cannot get to grips with the earth-shattering amount of decibels the tiny bastards can produce by simply rubbing their legs together.  They are able to produce noise (that’s what it is; noise) upwards of one hundred decibels when calling for a mate.  Imagine if humans had the same ability.  You’d be able to hear the sound of Marit Christensen’s fat thighs rubbing together from the Andromeda galaxy.  On a related note, America would still be the loudest nation on earth.  I’m also amazed by simpler sings, like flatulence.  You see, most things on this planet are made the way they are for a reason.  Poisonous frogs have brightly coloured skin, so that other animals will know not to eat them.  The Flightless Cormorant has lost its ability to fly, because it has no need for flight in its natural habitat.  But what service does a smelly fart provide?  In what way is my life made better by billions of minute bacteria making my burrito smell like death incarnate the next day?  No matter, I’m certain there is a scientist somewhere who has already made his career from cracking the mystery of smelly gas.

One that will never be solved, though, is the mystery of the remote car key.  Whoever thought of that one should be forced to run a marathon wearing nothing but a terribly itchy cardigan and a cilice.

A Playstation 3 or new keys, tough choice.

What on earth could possibly be the reasoning behind such a device?  Forget about smelly burritos being useless, all this thing does is unlock your car from a distance.  “Well that’s a wonderful gadget, saves me the walk!”, you’re probably thinking.  But what use is unlocking the car unless you’re actually going over to it?  Won’t it be just as convenient to unlock the car as you arrive at the door?  I cannot for the life of me think of a single reason why having your car be unlocked prior to your arrival to the damn thing can be of any use.

You might save five seconds if you’ve got a severe case of Parkinson’s, but then you’ve got worse things to worry about than being one twelfth of a minute late to Sunday night bingo.  So if saving time isn’t the reason, then what?  “But wait,” you say, “a remote car key is brilliant, after all it can never be worn out!”.  Unfortunately though, you’d be wrong again.  As soon as the battery runs out, you’ll be on your merry way to the local car dealer where you’ll have to pay upwards of £ 40 to have the battery exchanged by an unclean, pant suit-wearing man named Buck.  That is if you’re lucky enough to run out of battery power when you’re near civilization.  Should you be so lucky as to be atop a snowy mountain when it happens, you’d better hope your cell phone isn’t out of juice as well, lest you be forced to eat whoever’s on the mountain with you until rescue arrives.

“Volkswagen’s [remote] key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone…„

So we’ve ruled out both time saving and wear and tear as reasons for using a remote key as opposed to a conventional one.  Surely, though, there must be something positive about it.  After all, pretty much every modern car these days uses them.  Could practicality be the answer?  Volkswagen’s key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone, nothing practical about that.  It certainly isn’t price, I can tell you that.  Mercedes will bill you a hefty £ 250 for a new key.  A “cheap” key costs you upwards of £100 at a dealer, and that’s without the remote thingy.  Is there nothing, then, that can justify using a remote car key in the place of an old fashioned one?  Is it really just some daft device invented to make your neighbour jealous?

In any case, it has the old key beat by a zillion miles in the popularity department.  Funny, seeing as how conventional car keys today have been made so as to be nearly impossible to replicate without the individual code that follows each key.   Several decades of research into the fine art of cutting a metal cylinder into a unique shape rendered obsolete by a useless electronic gizmo that can be disabled by an electromagnetic fart.


A Rant About Boxxy And Women

The protagonist of today’s post is a somewhat dated web celebrity and, I must admit, quite far from what one would call mainstream.  Chances are you haven’t even heard of her, and if you have you’re likely to have forgotten all about her by now, in which case I commend you for your sterling selective memory.  She is, however, very relevant to the point I shall make.  Bear in mind then that the post, like the protagonist, is slightly vintage.  No matter, on to the post itself:

Beware of the Boxxy

Innocence itself

Boxxy, Bawksy, MoldyLunchboxx, The Queen of YouTube. The wench has many names, but they are all synonymous in their ability to evoke passionate feelings of dislike as well as praise.  In my mind, she calls forth feelings so vile and dark, the crew of Dimmu Borgir would wet their studded leather pants were they to catch only the slightest glimpse of it.  If I had to give my feelings for Boxxy a colour, it would be the blackest of blacks.  Contrarily though, quite a lot of other Internet creatures have claimed their unequivocal love for the girl and her ways to be both honest and true.

Fan clubs have spawned, each member of said clubs even more deprived of social interaction and sexual experience than the next.  Actually, their lack of successful interaction with members of the opposite sex is probably why they’re so easily fascinated by the likes of Boxxy.

Boxxy sans makeup

Boxxy sans make-up

To this very day, her user profile on YouTube is the #1 most popular profile listed by number of subscribers.  For the Celestial Tea Pot’s sake, the girl has over a million views on most of her videos!  Bobbie Johnson makes a good point about how even the most indistinguishable of individuals can rise to insane levels of fame on the Internet for no discernable reason, while The Boxxy Story chronicles the rise and fall of Boxxy as a phenomenon and a meme.

But forget about whats-her-face for a minute, this isn’t a rant about her any more than it is a rant about how half the world’s e-population would choke on their Mountain Dew if they knew she was only 16 when they last masturbated to her photo.  I shall pose the question; why do I dislike her ilk with such ferocity?  Others seem to embrace the spazzy, attention-whoring gigglish nature of so many girls, so why shouldn’t I do the same?  For starters, I’m not a sexually deprived tool.

Another reason is that she reminds me of how men are the true unfortunate sex.  You see, a good looking woman or girl can get pretty much anything she desires, even if she does have the personal worth of a house-fly.  Of course this necessitates the presupposition that her targets are insecure men or boys who simply don’t know they’re being played.  Take into consideration though that naive men are more abundant than homosexuals at a Westlife consert, and you will come to understand that nothing short of world domination is within a pretty woman’s grasp.  One might be tempted to argue that the same could be said for any attractive man with his wits about him, but then one would also have to casually dismiss the fact that any woman with half a tit to her name also possesses the ability to see through a male’s attempt to manipulate her like Superman sees through bricks.

The pathetic nature of most men is enough to make one’s blood boil.  Even worse is how so many women take advantage of it, bothers me to no end it does. When other women see men acting in such a way, it alters the way they perceive, and by causality react to, the men in their own lives.  I would postulate that unless our society makes for some radical changes in the immediate future regarding the “respect and equality” given so freely to whining women around the globe, we could have a societal collapse on our hands.  It would be the direct result of men possessing cerebral abilities on par with that of a freshly peeled radish being allowed to copulate freely. After all, only brain dead charlies will want to have children with the women of today. This means that the only ones to procreate will be republicans and people who watch MTV, and I know for a damn fact we do NOT need more of those!

Guess which one watches Paradise Hotel

Guess which one watches Paradise Hotel

Mankind shall inherit the earth, but by the looks of it we’ll revert back to apes before we ever get to the bloody will. No, the devolution of our species hasn’t reached critical mass just yet.  There are still people around who manage to eat their Monday morning cereal without choking to death on a sugar puff. But that will soon come to an end unless something is done about vixens and their steel grip on our collective testi.  By the looks of it then, one should be tempted to step up on the nearest soap box and proclaim the start of a resistance movement.  But that would be wrong.  You see, women aren’t wicked for manipulating men.  It is we who are too mentally challenged to do anything about it.