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Greetings, trusted reader(s)!  My summer holiday became slightly less productive than I had anticipated, and as such I simply didn’t get to updating the Vacuous Intelligence.  My sincerest apologies. Looking ahead, I’m back to updating the blog on a weekly/bi-weekly basis, all the while making sure the content is qualitatiously approved by yours truly.  Let’s get this thing rolling!

There are many things in this world that amaze me.  Crickets for example. I just cannot get to grips with the earth-shattering amount of decibels the tiny bastards can produce by simply rubbing their legs together.  They are able to produce noise (that’s what it is; noise) upwards of one hundred decibels when calling for a mate.  Imagine if humans had the same ability.  You’d be able to hear the sound of Marit Christensen’s fat thighs rubbing together from the Andromeda galaxy.  On a related note, America would still be the loudest nation on earth.  I’m also amazed by simpler sings, like flatulence.  You see, most things on this planet are made the way they are for a reason.  Poisonous frogs have brightly coloured skin, so that other animals will know not to eat them.  The Flightless Cormorant has lost its ability to fly, because it has no need for flight in its natural habitat.  But what service does a smelly fart provide?  In what way is my life made better by billions of minute bacteria making my burrito smell like death incarnate the next day?  No matter, I’m certain there is a scientist somewhere who has already made his career from cracking the mystery of smelly gas.

One that will never be solved, though, is the mystery of the remote car key.  Whoever thought of that one should be forced to run a marathon wearing nothing but a terribly itchy cardigan and a cilice.

A Playstation 3 or new keys, tough choice.

What on earth could possibly be the reasoning behind such a device?  Forget about smelly burritos being useless, all this thing does is unlock your car from a distance.  “Well that’s a wonderful gadget, saves me the walk!”, you’re probably thinking.  But what use is unlocking the car unless you’re actually going over to it?  Won’t it be just as convenient to unlock the car as you arrive at the door?  I cannot for the life of me think of a single reason why having your car be unlocked prior to your arrival to the damn thing can be of any use.

You might save five seconds if you’ve got a severe case of Parkinson’s, but then you’ve got worse things to worry about than being one twelfth of a minute late to Sunday night bingo.  So if saving time isn’t the reason, then what?  “But wait,” you say, “a remote car key is brilliant, after all it can never be worn out!”.  Unfortunately though, you’d be wrong again.  As soon as the battery runs out, you’ll be on your merry way to the local car dealer where you’ll have to pay upwards of £ 40 to have the battery exchanged by an unclean, pant suit-wearing man named Buck.  That is if you’re lucky enough to run out of battery power when you’re near civilization.  Should you be so lucky as to be atop a snowy mountain when it happens, you’d better hope your cell phone isn’t out of juice as well, lest you be forced to eat whoever’s on the mountain with you until rescue arrives.

“Volkswagen’s [remote] key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone…„

So we’ve ruled out both time saving and wear and tear as reasons for using a remote key as opposed to a conventional one.  Surely, though, there must be something positive about it.  After all, pretty much every modern car these days uses them.  Could practicality be the answer?  Volkswagen’s key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone, nothing practical about that.  It certainly isn’t price, I can tell you that.  Mercedes will bill you a hefty £ 250 for a new key.  A “cheap” key costs you upwards of £100 at a dealer, and that’s without the remote thingy.  Is there nothing, then, that can justify using a remote car key in the place of an old fashioned one?  Is it really just some daft device invented to make your neighbour jealous?

In any case, it has the old key beat by a zillion miles in the popularity department.  Funny, seeing as how conventional car keys today have been made so as to be nearly impossible to replicate without the individual code that follows each key.   Several decades of research into the fine art of cutting a metal cylinder into a unique shape rendered obsolete by a useless electronic gizmo that can be disabled by an electromagnetic fart.