Keep on truckin’

I am an avid fan of cars.  They have always been able to catch and hold my attention for hours on end, no matter what mood I might be in.  There’s just so much about them that interests me.  Some are showcases of modern engineering, others are impressive by virtue of sheer beauty.  The Jaguar E-type is a car that fits in the latter category.  It’s nearly in a league of its own when it comes to good looks.  When I’m old and impotent, I won’t need Viagra or any other pill geared towards rectifying erectile dysfunction to get me going.  Just show me a silhouette picture of the E-type Jag and I’ll be ready to take on the entire female population of Sweden, barring of course the small issue of horny 80-year olds not being very attractive.  But my ability to construe automotive design as a way to regulate blood flow to the penis is not today’s topic, far from it.  My gripe is with something quite a lot more bothersome.

A lorry.

A lorry

I travel long distances by car quite often, and it’s something I often take great pleasure in doing.  The mountainous landscape of southern Norway is breathtakingly beautiful, and the best way to see it, barring a personal airplane, is by car.  The act of driving is quite entertaining as well; changing gears smoothly

Beautiful

Beautiful scenery

as the road climbs and descends into valleys and over mountain passes, winding along the topography like a graceful asphalt river.  But there is a fly in this tomato soup.  Actually that is an understatement; there’s a Saab Scania in my soup.  I am of course referring to lorries.

On my last drive home, I was stuck behind one of these motorised warehouses for over one hour.  The road was winding, and I was in a car with a whopping 63bhp and about as much torque as an electric tooth brush, so overtaking the lumbering behemoth wasn’t an option.  The road was also about as wide as my fingernail, meaning even if I had been in a sports car I still wouldn’t have been able to go past the lorry without a jet engine and wings.  So there I was, left to the good manners of a man who gets his opinions from the local radio station of wherever he’s delivering mattresses that week.

“This man was on a mission, and his mission was to make my life miserable.„

When I’m out driving, I’m usually quite the gentleman.  If someone comes up behind me with a speed greater than mine, I blink to the side and let them pass.  Should I catch up to someone who’s under the impression that 80 km/h means “80 only if you want to, but 50 is fine too”, I’ll give a few blinks of the turn indicator and signal that I’d like to overtake them by placing myself slightly towards the centre strip.  The lorry driver was not a gentleman, a fact he made quite clear by driving like he was alone in another dimension where time went a lot slower.  As I was being overtaken by squirrels and old women in electric wheelchairs, wondering if I was going to be home by the next ice age, I thought to myself: What kind of creature might be maneuvering the vessel I was currently stuck behind?  Furthermore, what is a lorryist really like?

“His sex life consists of picking up random hitchhikers…„

For starters, he possesses the intellectual capacity of a common garden snail.  And his physique?  Picture, if you will, someone with the appearance of a furry pear with legs and a hat, and a constant six day stubble.  Such a physique is the by-product of a diet consisting mainly of random sweaty meat products from road-side gas stations, and a workout routine of lifting a half-empty coffee mug thrice an hour.  His name is one syllable, probably Steve or Hank, and he wears a chequered, sleeveless flannel shirt.  He has many friends, but they’re all lorry drivers as well, and he only ever interacts with them on his short-wave radio.  His sex life consists of picking up random hitchhikers, raping them, and disposing of their bodies in plastic bags, preferably in several pieces.

The back of the beast

While picturing what the berk in front of me was like provided quite good fun, it wasn’t going to solve my predicament in a hurry.  This man was on a mission, and his mission was to make my life miserable.  I tried signalling him more times than I care to count, but to no avail.  As we crept along the E134 at 40 km/h, the speed limit being 80 km/h, it dawned on me that this was no longer a matter of a lorryist and his reckless driving.  This was personal.  He could have easily yielded to the side and let me pass at one of the many widened road shoulders we passed, but he just crept on.  I know he was aware of me; the eight million cars behind me made sure of that with their helpful honking and flashing of their full lights.  But this man, in his vast sea of mental retardation, was apparently under the impression that all the craziness going on behind his lorry had nothing to do with him.  In his mind I’m sure the cacophonous disco of car horns and flashing lights was nothing but pleasant ambience to the rattle of his asthmatic diesel engine, which by the way was doing a very poor job of moving his truck forward.  So we kept going, still moving at the speed of growing hair, the truck driver still not showing any sign of intelligent life, line of cars behind me growing ever longer.

Finally, we came upon a straight piece of road wide enough for us both.  I overtook him, and gave him a polite honk of the horn accompanied by a rigid middle finger.  In all likelihood he’s still trundling along some mountain road, ruining the day for other drivers and killing cute rabbits along the road with his big, polluting diesel engine.  I can’t wait till someone invents teleportation as a way of transporting goods.  Then the lorry drivers can finally reach their next evolutionary milestone, becoming bus drivers.

Clicky clicky…

Audi-RSQ-cropped

Greetings, trusted reader(s)!  My summer holiday became slightly less productive than I had anticipated, and as such I simply didn’t get to updating the Vacuous Intelligence.  My sincerest apologies. Looking ahead, I’m back to updating the blog on a weekly/bi-weekly basis, all the while making sure the content is qualitatiously approved by yours truly.  Let’s get this thing rolling!

There are many things in this world that amaze me.  Crickets for example. I just cannot get to grips with the earth-shattering amount of decibels the tiny bastards can produce by simply rubbing their legs together.  They are able to produce noise (that’s what it is; noise) upwards of one hundred decibels when calling for a mate.  Imagine if humans had the same ability.  You’d be able to hear the sound of Marit Christensen’s fat thighs rubbing together from the Andromeda galaxy.  On a related note, America would still be the loudest nation on earth.  I’m also amazed by simpler sings, like flatulence.  You see, most things on this planet are made the way they are for a reason.  Poisonous frogs have brightly coloured skin, so that other animals will know not to eat them.  The Flightless Cormorant has lost its ability to fly, because it has no need for flight in its natural habitat.  But what service does a smelly fart provide?  In what way is my life made better by billions of minute bacteria making my burrito smell like death incarnate the next day?  No matter, I’m certain there is a scientist somewhere who has already made his career from cracking the mystery of smelly gas.

One that will never be solved, though, is the mystery of the remote car key.  Whoever thought of that one should be forced to run a marathon wearing nothing but a terribly itchy cardigan and a cilice.

A Playstation 3 or new keys, tough choice.

What on earth could possibly be the reasoning behind such a device?  Forget about smelly burritos being useless, all this thing does is unlock your car from a distance.  “Well that’s a wonderful gadget, saves me the walk!”, you’re probably thinking.  But what use is unlocking the car unless you’re actually going over to it?  Won’t it be just as convenient to unlock the car as you arrive at the door?  I cannot for the life of me think of a single reason why having your car be unlocked prior to your arrival to the damn thing can be of any use.

You might save five seconds if you’ve got a severe case of Parkinson’s, but then you’ve got worse things to worry about than being one twelfth of a minute late to Sunday night bingo.  So if saving time isn’t the reason, then what?  “But wait,” you say, “a remote car key is brilliant, after all it can never be worn out!”.  Unfortunately though, you’d be wrong again.  As soon as the battery runs out, you’ll be on your merry way to the local car dealer where you’ll have to pay upwards of £ 40 to have the battery exchanged by an unclean, pant suit-wearing man named Buck.  That is if you’re lucky enough to run out of battery power when you’re near civilization.  Should you be so lucky as to be atop a snowy mountain when it happens, you’d better hope your cell phone isn’t out of juice as well, lest you be forced to eat whoever’s on the mountain with you until rescue arrives.

“Volkswagen’s [remote] key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone…„

So we’ve ruled out both time saving and wear and tear as reasons for using a remote key as opposed to a conventional one.  Surely, though, there must be something positive about it.  After all, pretty much every modern car these days uses them.  Could practicality be the answer?  Volkswagen’s key is bigger than my 2002 Nokia cell phone, nothing practical about that.  It certainly isn’t price, I can tell you that.  Mercedes will bill you a hefty £ 250 for a new key.  A “cheap” key costs you upwards of £100 at a dealer, and that’s without the remote thingy.  Is there nothing, then, that can justify using a remote car key in the place of an old fashioned one?  Is it really just some daft device invented to make your neighbour jealous?

In any case, it has the old key beat by a zillion miles in the popularity department.  Funny, seeing as how conventional car keys today have been made so as to be nearly impossible to replicate without the individual code that follows each key.   Several decades of research into the fine art of cutting a metal cylinder into a unique shape rendered obsolete by a useless electronic gizmo that can be disabled by an electromagnetic fart.

Workload

I shall have to inform you that there will not be any new posts until medio July at the very earliest.  You see, I am currently participating in what the Norwegian Armed Forces refer to as Felles Opptak og Seleksjon.  It is a three week ordeal during which roughly 1500 applicants are deemed either fit or unfit for service within various sections of the Norwegian military.  As a sergeant, then, it is part of my work to see my share of the young hopefuls through the initial part of the selection process.

I shall have returned by medio July!

Published in: on June 22, 2009 at 22:30  Comments (1)  

A Rant About Boxxy And Women

The protagonist of today’s post is a somewhat dated web celebrity and, I must admit, quite far from what one would call mainstream.  Chances are you haven’t even heard of her, and if you have you’re likely to have forgotten all about her by now, in which case I commend you for your sterling selective memory.  She is, however, very relevant to the point I shall make.  Bear in mind then that the post, like the protagonist, is slightly vintage.  No matter, on to the post itself:

Beware of the Boxxy

Innocence itself

Boxxy, Bawksy, MoldyLunchboxx, The Queen of YouTube. The wench has many names, but they are all synonymous in their ability to evoke passionate feelings of dislike as well as praise.  In my mind, she calls forth feelings so vile and dark, the crew of Dimmu Borgir would wet their studded leather pants were they to catch only the slightest glimpse of it.  If I had to give my feelings for Boxxy a colour, it would be the blackest of blacks.  Contrarily though, quite a lot of other Internet creatures have claimed their unequivocal love for the girl and her ways to be both honest and true.

Fan clubs have spawned, each member of said clubs even more deprived of social interaction and sexual experience than the next.  Actually, their lack of successful interaction with members of the opposite sex is probably why they’re so easily fascinated by the likes of Boxxy.

Boxxy sans makeup

Boxxy sans make-up

To this very day, her user profile on YouTube is the #1 most popular profile listed by number of subscribers.  For the Celestial Tea Pot’s sake, the girl has over a million views on most of her videos!  Bobbie Johnson makes a good point about how even the most indistinguishable of individuals can rise to insane levels of fame on the Internet for no discernable reason, while The Boxxy Story chronicles the rise and fall of Boxxy as a phenomenon and a meme.

But forget about whats-her-face for a minute, this isn’t a rant about her any more than it is a rant about how half the world’s e-population would choke on their Mountain Dew if they knew she was only 16 when they last masturbated to her photo.  I shall pose the question; why do I dislike her ilk with such ferocity?  Others seem to embrace the spazzy, attention-whoring gigglish nature of so many girls, so why shouldn’t I do the same?  For starters, I’m not a sexually deprived tool.

Another reason is that she reminds me of how men are the true unfortunate sex.  You see, a good looking woman or girl can get pretty much anything she desires, even if she does have the personal worth of a house-fly.  Of course this necessitates the presupposition that her targets are insecure men or boys who simply don’t know they’re being played.  Take into consideration though that naive men are more abundant than homosexuals at a Westlife consert, and you will come to understand that nothing short of world domination is within a pretty woman’s grasp.  One might be tempted to argue that the same could be said for any attractive man with his wits about him, but then one would also have to casually dismiss the fact that any woman with half a tit to her name also possesses the ability to see through a male’s attempt to manipulate her like Superman sees through bricks.

The pathetic nature of most men is enough to make one’s blood boil.  Even worse is how so many women take advantage of it, bothers me to no end it does. When other women see men acting in such a way, it alters the way they perceive, and by causality react to, the men in their own lives.  I would postulate that unless our society makes for some radical changes in the immediate future regarding the “respect and equality” given so freely to whining women around the globe, we could have a societal collapse on our hands.  It would be the direct result of men possessing cerebral abilities on par with that of a freshly peeled radish being allowed to copulate freely. After all, only brain dead charlies will want to have children with the women of today. This means that the only ones to procreate will be republicans and people who watch MTV, and I know for a damn fact we do NOT need more of those!

Guess which one watches Paradise Hotel

Guess which one watches Paradise Hotel

Mankind shall inherit the earth, but by the looks of it we’ll revert back to apes before we ever get to the bloody will. No, the devolution of our species hasn’t reached critical mass just yet.  There are still people around who manage to eat their Monday morning cereal without choking to death on a sugar puff. But that will soon come to an end unless something is done about vixens and their steel grip on our collective testi.  By the looks of it then, one should be tempted to step up on the nearest soap box and proclaim the start of a resistance movement.  But that would be wrong.  You see, women aren’t wicked for manipulating men.  It is we who are too mentally challenged to do anything about it.

The Ego Hath Landed

All right.  I shall start this off with a brief, and dare I say quite honest, introduction.  My name is Øystein, and I am a guy.  I know this because last time I took a shower, there was no conditioner in sight, nor were there any expensive creams or lotions to remove all signs of age from my rugged man-face.  As of writing I am 23 years of age and on my way to becoming a sergeant of the RNoAF.  My working days are spent scurrying about some military establishment wherein I absorb information like the obedient sponge I am. Extracurricular activities include hanging out with the people I care about – and sometimes with people I don’t care about – working out, watching the latest movies, pursuing general fulfillment in life and a plethora of other activities I shan’t bother to list.

So what will I fill the pages of this blog with then?  There is already a jungle of blogs out there; blogs where people write to tell you how their latest trip to the Zoo went, or how wonderful it is to have your toenails clipped by a Thai woman.  Lots of useless garbage in other words; garbage I intend not to contribute to. It would seem then, that a diary where I chronicle all the exciting aspects of my everyday existence, is out of the question.  What about a blog discussing the finer details of French cuisine, so that people with silk scarves and berets can giggle their way through my witty commentary?  Or I could write about dogs.  Plenty of people like dogs.  The only catch is that they’re all complete berks.  Most of them are named Steve and enjoy going for long jogs at four thirty in the morning and topping it off by letting their hairy pet take a gargantuan dump on my front lawn.  So that is out of the question then.

Come to think of it; limiting myself to only one general area of blogging seems awfully boring.  I shall therefore write about anything that catches my interest, no matter how serious, or light-hearted, the subject at hand may be!  Nothing shall be safe from my inquisitive quill, and I shall attack each post with great ferocity.  Politics, religion, women and their hormones, old people, berks wearing anoraks, they shall all be equally valid subject matters!  Granted, I don’t know much about any of the aforementioned, but that never stopped anyone else, so why should I be deterred.  Excellent, this is shaping out quite nicely.

Now, some of the stuff I write might provoke you, or perhaps even cause a minor ulcer to develop.  As I mentioned above, I might not have the slightest bit of insight into whatever it is I’m rambling on about.  But I can promise you this; I shall write about it with a burning interest so fierce in nature that it will make King Leonidas’ pep talk to the 300 look like an AA meeting.  Hopefully, it will spark a little creative thought in that damp sponge you call a brain, in which case we’ll have a win-win situation.  I am of course insinuating that you might want to leave your commentary at the bottom of the post relevant to your interests.

As for regularity, I will try to have a new post up either weekly or bi-weekly, depending on my schedule.  The military has a tendency to plan poorly, and of course us lower ranked minions are the ones who have to suffer the consequences.